Promises
by WindowsDown22
Summary: Logan learnt from an early age that not all promises could always be kept, but the one promise Kendall does keep comes at a cost. Slash Kogan, lots of angst.


**Promises**

**This was inspired by The One That Got Away by ImprecantesStellam. If you haven't read the fic go and read it, for it is truly amazing. This got a little out of hand, but I still hope you enjoy it. Please read review.**

**Just saying, if you don't like stories where Kendall's an ass, then probably not the story for you.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush **

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><p>Night had fallen, and for two boys that meant each of them would be able to enjoy the one moment in the day, that brought them utter happiness. Kendall and Logan currently sat in Logan's bed, cuddled into each other's sides. They did this each night, one of them running over to the other's house just so they could sleep in the same bed, enjoying the other's embrace. It wasn't hard as they lived next door to one another. At the crack of dawn whoever had decided to come over, would then return to their own house leaving their parent's none the wiser.<p>

It was not that the two boys were in a relationship of some kind, even though both of them wanted it. They just loved to be near one another. Both knew of their feelings, both knew of each other's feelings, but neither was brave enough to do anything about it, for if they did that it would mean it would all suddenly become real. So they settled for waiting; waiting for the moment that blackness took over the sky, so they could enjoy this one moment.

Tonight though everything changed, for Logan decided he was going to be brave. He was never one to have a lot of courage, never one to speak up amongst a crowd for fear of being humiliated by others around him. But he wanted this more than anything. He knew he loved Kendall, and he was sure he would until the day he died. He knew it was strange to feel this way at the mere age of fourteen, but the blonde by his side had such an effect on him, that it was almost impossible to deny himself, for Kendall was more than a drug to him. He knew he could not live without the blonde beside him.

"Kenny," he said, his voice small, barely audible over the howling wind outside. Kendall however never missed a word Logan said; ever so he turned to the brunet beside him with a warm smile.

"Yes Logie?" The raven haired boy took a deep breath, wondering if he could really ask the question that could change his entire being. With Kendall's green orbs staring down at him, making his palms sweat and his heart race faster than he ever thought possible, he whispered a meek, "Why do we do this?"

Kendall sighed. This had gone on so long, neither of them speaking a word of why they did this, or was there another reason behind what they did. It had been going on since they were twelve, when Kendall one night stayed over at Logan's house. He had been cold sleeping on a mattress on the floor, so he had casually slipped into Logan's bed.

"What are you doing?" Logan had asked warily. Kendall merely replied. "I'm cold, before wrapping his arms around Logan, and snuggling closer to him. The two woke up in the position where Kendall was spooning Logan. The next day was rather awkward for the two, but when Logan wordlessly climbed through Kendall's window the next night, and climbed into his bed nothing was said between them. They just cuddled under Kendall's blanket falling asleep to the sound of each other's heartbeats, which was the perfect lullaby.

Two years this had been happening every night, but the first night was the night, when both came to the realisation of their feelings. Not until now though had either one of them had the courage to speak out, about what was really happening.

"What do you mean?" Kendall finally responded, not sure what else to say.

"Why do we do this, every night, why do we do this?" Logan pointed between the two, trying to emphasize exactly what he was talking about.

"I don't know," Kendall coyly replied. Logan sighed.

"I think I know why I do it, I just want to know why you do it," Logan watched Kendall's face for any type of expression that would let him know what Kendall was thinking.

"Well why don't you tell me why you do it?" Kendall was beating around the bush and he knew it. He just didn't want to be the first to admit it.

"Okay I will," Kendall was surprised by Logan's assertiveness, as he turned to Kendall, and grabbed his hands, intertwining them with his own.

"I do this because, every night when I climb into your bed, or you climb into mine I feel like everything is all right in the world, and that no matter what happens in life, I feel like everything is okay because…because I have you by my side," Logan paused hoping he had gotten his point through to Kendall, but Kendall just stared emotionlessly back.

He of course was processing everything that Logan had just said, and he felt so many mixed emotions. He of course knew what Logan was referring to when he spoke of everything being okay. He knew that life was not easy for Logan, by the slightest of means. His father was Logan's only friend growing up until he met James, Carlos and himself. Logan was shy individual who had trouble making friends, and his father was a form of replacement for friends. He had been so close with his father, so when he died four years back, it had been extremely tough on the young brunette. What of course had been worse was the fact that his mother had never really cared for Logan. She was neglectful in such ways, that it hurt Logan to his very core. She would leave him on his own for weeks at end, never once calling to check in on him, never once even trying to get into contact with him. When she would return Logan would try and get her to pay attention to him. He would try and try over and over even though there was really no point. He would tell her about the A's he got on all of his tests, or the goal he scored in his last hockey game. It was all for no reason, for she merely ignored his presence, like he was a pesky fly that buzzed around annoying her to the bitter end.

What hurt Logan the most was all of the promises she made. It was like she did it, purposely to hurt him. He would tell her about parent teacher conferences they were having, or the fact that his hockey team had made the final in their grade, or the science fair he was attending. He would ask her, if she wanted to come along in support, and she would always say yes. Each time Logan would put the last time she didn't show up behind him, and he would think about how this time she meant it. Of course each time left him more heartbroken than the last. She would always say, "Not all promises can be kept Logan," but then again, she never once kept any of her promises.

The silence that had fallen over both Kendall and Logan, as they were left to their thoughts seemed to be endless. Logan was the one who finally broke it. He had never been so courageous in his life, but then again he had never wanted anything more either.

"Can I t-try something?" Kendall turned to him, studying his face before nodding in return. That was when Logan began to lean forward. Kendall had known what he was going to do, even before it had happened, and he felt himself sub-consciously following Logan's actions. When they were close enough to feel their hot breaths against the others lips, it was all dawning on them how this could change everything, one single action could change everything for them. Neither took the time though to think of the effects this could have, as all they wanted was to feel their lips against the other's.

When their lips touched, they both felt it, the spark that ignited, as their lips moved furiously against one another's. Logan moved his hands to run them through Kendall's blonde locks pulling them closer together. It felt like everything Logan had ever dreamed of, and even though it was in fact cliché he felt the little jolts of electricity, coursing throughout his system. He knew from that moment on there was no going back, for he now craved Kendall like a fat kid did cupcakes. He needed Kendall like a fish needed water. He knew that he would never give Kendall up, because Kendall was the one thing that made him feel like there was hope. He really felt like no one else cared about him. His mother, the woman whom had given birth to him, detested his mere existence. His two other friends always made him feel like they never really cared, for James was to self-obsessed, never really caring about anyone other than himself, and Carlos cared more about his helmet than he ever had Logan.

Kendall was the only one who made him feel like someone cared, and it was that fact that led him to believe that he and Kendall would be together for ever. He could've been considered a young fool, who was hopelessly in love, but to Logan he was no fool. He had no doubt in his mind, that he and Kendall would somehow make this work.

When the two pulled back and just stared into one each other's eyes, conveying emotions, words not needing to be said. Even though Logan could tell Kendall knew of his love, he felt the need to have it out in the open. He needed to say it, and have it said back to him.

"I love you Kendall," he whispered.

"I love you to Logie," that was all that was said, as with one final kiss the two cuddled up again and let sleep take them away, the smiles never leaving their faces.

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><p>It was two years later, that found the two boys at the Palm woods hotel. Everything had changed for them practically overnight. One day they were taking James to audition to become a pop star, and next thing they knew they were going to L.A in attempt to become a band. Logan was the most hesitant to move to L.A for it was not his dream to be in band. His dream was to become a doctor, and how can he do that, if he was spending all his time learning to sing and dance.<p>

Of course the moment Kendall said he couldn't leave without him, Logan knew he would go. He would do whatever Kendall wanted, when he wanted, because all he wanted was for his boyfriend to be happy. So he had packed up his things and left, his mother not even bothering to read what she was signing, happy that she could dump her son on somebody else.

When they arrived in L.A it was all so different. Change was to be expected with the move, and Logan had known that. So far though, he had found himself glad that his and Kendall's relationship had not changed. It was hard for both of them, for the past two years had been spent hiding away what they truly felt. They had agreed that they wouldn't come out, until both of them felt they were ready to face the consequences. It was hard, but they made it work, for their love for each other so stronger than anyone could imagine.

The first day spent in L.A was hard on Logan though. Even though the Jennifer's had been unkind, and did not want anything to with any of the boys, there were still other girls out there who were looking for a fun loving boyfriend. Throughout the day a couple of girls had come up to Kendall, asking about him, and what he was doing here. It had even seemed like he was flirting back with them a little. That really hurt Logan, and it put him in two minds as to whether Kendall still felt the same about him. He had ended up in his and Kendall's shared room, trying to keep himself from crying. He kept telling himself that Kendall loved him. He knew Kendall would never lie to him, and for two years Kendall had been telling Logan he loved him, so what other explanation was there.

That was when darker thoughts entered his mind. Was he not good enough for Kendall? Was he boring Kendall? Was Kendall tired of him? All of these questions circling around in his big brain, were pushing him further down into nothingness, the feeling of being rejected by the one person her loved more than anything, causing the most pain he had ever felt.

"Logan, baby, is everything all right?" Logan hadn't even heard Kendall enter their room. He was just that upset. He rolled over on his bed, putting his head into his pillow to muffle his sobbing. If Kendall was going to break up with him, he knew was going to cry, and he didn't want to seem like a baby.

Logan felt the mattress sink in next to him, and a comforting hand rubbing up and down his back. When he felt Kendall's lips kissing the nape of his neck, he began to cry loudly. This was the opposite effect of what Kendall had wanted.

"Logan sweetheart, what's going on?" Logan turned over on his bed, his face all red and blotchy.

"D-Do you not l-love me a-anymore?" Logan whimpered. Kendall was shocked by this. He loved Logan more than anything, and he thought that his boyfriend knew that.

"What why would you even think that?" Logan responded by crying louder.

"B-Because you kept f-flirting with those g-girls down at the p-pool," Kendall sighed, not realising how insensitive he was being. He pulled Logan close kissing him on the forehead repeatedly.

"Sweetheart, I wasn't meaning to flirt with them. I would never do that to you."

"You w-wouldn't."

"Of course not," Logan looked into Kendall's eyes trying to find any source of a deceitfulness. He couldn't find anything, so he smiled meekly whispering, "You promise."

"With all my heart Logie I promise. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you," Logan pulled Kendall down for a passionate kiss, trying to put every inch of love he could find into this one intimate moment.

When he pulled back, he didn't know what possessed him to say it but it was left lingering in the air as he said, "Show me." Logan and Kendall had been together for two years now, but they had still not taken that step in their relationship. They had fooled around, but both wanted their first time to be special. They wanted it to mean something for the both of them. The apartment was empty so Kendall knew he wouldn't have to worry about anyone hearing them, and Kendall couldn't deny the fact that he had recently been thinking about the idea of sex with Logan.

When Logan pulled Kendall down for a fiery kiss of pure passion, Kendall couldn't deny himself any longer. He moved so he was straddling Logan, and began to nip and suck at his neck. That day both Logan and Kendall lost virginities. It was all so surreal for Logan, but it felt so right. He knew Kendall would never hurt him. People had always broken their promises when it came to him, but he had no doubt that Kendall would never do that to him. They loved each other, and he knew there was no obstacle that could come between them.

The day came though when there was an obstacle to great for them to overcome. It was like a solid brick wall had appeared out of nowhere, putting an end to their two year romance. Her name was Jo Taylor. The four boys were poolside. Logan was relaxing in his chair, whilst Carlos and James ogled the girls in their skimpy bikinis. Kendall was also doing the same. He and Logan had talked both deciding that they needed to keep up with the illusion that they were still looking for girlfriends. They agreed it was best to continue to keep their secret, for the sake of the band. Logan had no problem with this as he knew exactly what it was. It wasn't real; it was all fake, for at the end of the day Kendall climbed into his bed, and no one else's.

When Carlos got rejected by the Simms twins, ending up in the pool, all the boys sighed.

"Why can't any nice, good girls move here?" Kendall said.

"Someone hot," James said in turn watching the Jennifer's stalk past.

"Preferably from North Carolina," Logan said, trying to make it sound like he was interested.

"Well it's not North Carolina-"Logan's head snapped up, as he saw a blonde girl begin to walk towards them. He turned to see Kendall and James staring at her, practically drooling. He looked back, to her as saw that she was smiling at them. As she passed she waved, muttering a coy, "Hello," as she walked passed them.

When she was gone, Logan watched as Kendall joined in with James and Carlos, shouting "She will be mine!" he felt like Kendall was playing his part a bit too well, but he trusted Kendall. Kendall loved him, and he would never hurt him, just like he promised.

The next few days however, had Logan on edge. Kendall was running around after this blonde girl, who he now knew as Jo. He kept telling himself, Kendall would never hurt me, he promised. He felt like this was his mother all over again. She would make promises, and it always ended up in heartbreak for Logan. He shook his head at the thought that this was even remotely like that. Kendall was not like his mother. He would never break a promise, never. Logan however couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief when they all found out Jo had a boyfriend back home. It was like nothing ever happened. Logan never asked Kendall why he was so into acting like he really did like Jo, because he knew he didn't need to. He trusted Kendall and that was all that mattered.

It all came to an end two months later when Gustavo gave them the day off. Kendall went down to the pool, telling everyone to stay away from him. Logan had thought about asking Kendall to spend the day with him, for they hadn't been able to spend much alone time together, but decided against it. He needn't worry, and besides he wanted to go and see Phoebe Nachee's math lecture.

After a day of twists and turns where he ended up dressing like a girl, getting to see his idol, before being beaten to smithereens by a throng of teenage girls, he was sitting in his bedroom waiting for Kendall to come in so they could snuggle together. However when Kendall entered the room, he was frowning. Logan noticed this, and went to ask if something was wrong, but stopped in his tracks when Kendall didn't come and lay down next to him, but went and lay down on his own bed. Not once since they had moved here, had the two slept separately so this made Logan wonder what had gotten into his boyfriend. He let out many disgruntled sighs, and it upset Logan so he stood up, and went and sat next to Kendall.

"Is something wrong babe?" Logan asked, petting Kendall's hair. When Kendall turned around, Logan couldn't help but get a slightly nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"Logan…" Kendall started off not knowing what exactly to say.

"Y-Yeah," Logan stammered, trying to figure out what could possibly lead Kendall to act like this.

"Something happened today," Kendall sighed.

"What," Logan tried to hug Kendall in comfort, but Kendall just pushed him away. Logan was a little taken a back, but none the less he waited for Kendall to tell him what was wrong.

"Today, I spent the day with Jo," Kendall paused before continuing. "We hit it off, and I realised I have feelings for her. I asked her out, and she said yes. I'm sorry Logan, but it's over."

Logan listened without really taking in what was being said. In fact he just blocked out the last part all together, not even thinking that Kendall had just told him it was over.

"That's okay Kendall, we can work through this. You have feelings for Jo, and that's okay, but we'll get through this, okay," Logan went to grab Kendall's hand but he pulled away.

"Did you not hear me, I said it's over!" Kendall screamed. "It's over Logan, I don't want to be with you. I want to be with Jo!"

Tears began to stream down Logan's face as it finally sunk in.

"W-What's going on Ken? D-Did I do something wrong-"

"It's not your fault Logan. I just can't do this anymore-"

"Do what anymore!"

"This!" Kendall shouted pointing between the two of them. "What is this really going to amount to? No one even knows where together-"

"We can change that. We can come out together-"

"And what!" Kendall was now scaring Logan as he backed up, not wanting to be assaulted by Kendall's vicious words. "We can't come out. Think what could happen. We have the band to worry about, we can't just come out and say, hey guys we're in a homosexual relationship, its cool right? No one is going to think that way. I'm sorry Logan I never wanted to hurt you, but this has to end. I'm with Jo now, so I'm breaking up with you," Logan began to sob uncontrollably, falling to the floor.

"Please, I-I'll do a-anything," Logan pleaded. He wanted nothing more than to believe this was a dream, but all the pain he was feeling was too real for that.

"I'm sorry Logan, but let's just go back to how things were before. We can still be friends," those words literally killed Logan. How could he be friends with Kendall after this? How was he going to be able to watch Kendall and Jo's relationship blossom, whilst he was pushed to the side-lines, their relationship completely forgotten?

"B-But you promised, you p-promised," Logan stuttered, trying to hold himself together.

"I'm sorry Logan, but not every promise can be kept," Logan literally felt his whole world crashing down around him, as he heard the same phrase his mothers used to always say to him. He could barely breathe the weight of it all, falling down upon him. He felt like he was drowning, the waves of Kendall's hurtful words strangling him until he was left with nothing.

"P-Please," Logan whimpered.

"I'm sorry," was all Kendall muttered in return, before he exited the room.

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><p>The next two years contained some of the darkest days Logan had ever experienced. Watching Kendall fawn over Jo, barely paying attention to him anymore, had Logan actually ended up considering suicide. He couldn't bare it. The monstrosity of it all, had Logan crying himself to sleep every night, barely being able to get up the next morning, his broken heart cracked beyond repair. He managed to put up a good face though. He had practise, for every single time his mother had hurt him he had simply remembered his father. He knew he was in a better place, and he just went back into his memories. His memories held happiness, and that was the key for him. Whenever he felt down, he would escape to what he once knew, and that allowed him to pretend he was happy, when the reality he was dying inside.<p>

When Camille came into the picture, she somewhat repaired the broken boy. He had known she had a crush on him, and after two years he felt like he deserved to be happy. He knew that no one could ever compare to what Kendall had once been, but Camille could at least be a substitute. She was cute, and quirky. He decided to give it a chance, and he was glad that he did. She made him feel good about himself, and her out there nature made Logan come slightly out his shell. They were true opposites, and as the saying goes opposites attract. Camille would never know what she was for the brunette. She was his rock. He grasped onto her, in attempt to keep his sanity for without her, who knew what Logan would've done. Before Logan had been standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to plunge forward and let death consume him, but Camille brought him back a few steps. She was never what Kendall was, but Logan could settle, if it meant the pain vanished slightly.

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><p>When Jo left for New Zealand, Kendall ended up being heartbroken himself. Logan wanted desperately to comfort him, and let him know that he still loved him. He thought about it many times, just going up to Kendall an telling him that he still loved him, then kissing him until he was left gasping for air, but the fact that Kendall had hurt him, stopped him from doing so.<p>

He didn't think he could get through the heartache again. He didn't think he could take it, and he knew he could never trust Kendall again. That would be much too hard. There was also Camille, she had been so good to him, and he couldn't abandon her like that. He had come to love her, and even though it was nothing to what he felt for Kendall, it was enough for him to stay with her. He watched as Kendall suffered through losing Jo. He felt slightly at ease, to know that Kendall now knew how it felt to have something ripped away from you, within a mere instance.

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><p>Months passed by after Jo left, and Kendall seemed to be handling it rather well. Sure he cried every now and then, for his lost love but he was okay. He could handle this. For some reason though, what he couldn't handle was seeing Logan and Camille together. It was hard, because he was going through so much heartache, and Kendall had expected Logan to at least be there for him. Sure they had left their relationship off, at a rough patch but none the less they were still friends, and friends were always there for one another.<p>

The truth to it all wasn't that he was upset that Logan was with Camille all the time, he was upset that Logan wasn't with him. Logan would never understand why Kendall did what he did, but he had to. The band was just taking off, and how would it look to have two guys in a relationship. He knew people wouldn't be cool with it, and Kendall was sick of hiding everything. He wanted to have a relationship where he could kiss someone, and hold their hands in public without having to worry about whether or not people were going to judge him for it.

He knew that it was selfish, but he couldn't help but feel like Jo could give him this. He had definitely been attracted to her, and she was nice, sweet, funny and smart. Sure she wasn't the pale, brunette, man that he sometimes still dreamt about, but she could give him what he wanted, and that was all he needed. Now that Jo had left though he felt like a fool. He had still loved Logan the entire time he was with Jo, so much so that when he made love to Jo, he would always imagine it was Logan beneath him. But once he had ended it, he knew he could not go back. He had hurt Logan, effectively breaking his promise. He was just so scared about what people would think. He had pondered upon millions of questions the day he had broken up with Logan. What if James and Carlos hate us? What if my mum kicks me out? What if the band ends up being ruined? All of these questions had caused Kendall to make the biggest mistake of his life, and he knew he would regret it forever.

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><p>When Logan got the news that Camille was pregnant, he couldn't have been happier. Time had healed his heartbreak, or so he thought. He would still think of Kendall from time to time, wondering what could've been. With Camille's help though, he felt like his life was heading in the right direction. He could afford to support Camille with the way Big Time Rush was going, and he did love her truly. He wouldn't be where he was now, if it wasn't for her. Two months into her pregnancy, Logan proposed. It was both a beautiful and memorable moment for Logan. He was doing a concert for Big Time Rush in the heart of Los Angeles. Logan had told Camille to come along to listen to him, and when she said yes, he got her seats in the front row, so his plan would be that much easier. At the end of the concert, he stepped up to the microphone. No one other than Kelly and Gustavo knew what was happening, so James, Carlos and Kendall were in shock as they had been moving to get off the stage.<p>

Logan stood at the microphone, and cleared his throat watching the crowd of teenage girls before him immediately silence themselves, to listen to what he had to say.

"Can I please ask my beautiful girlfriend, Camille Roberts to come up onto the stage," Camille was in shock, for she wondered why Logan could possibly want her up on stage for. When she got up there, she soon figured exactly what was happening. Logan gestured to someone off stage, and soon enough Kelly was running out carrying a small box, Camille gasped when she saw what was being handed to Logan, and when he got down on one knee, the reality of what was happening sunk in. Tears began to stream down her face, as Logan began to speak.

"Camille, I've been going out with you for over two years now, and every day with you is a new adventure. You're probably one of the only people who I can say I truly trust, and know will never hurt me," Logan couldn't help but glance at Kendall when he said this. He saw the shame on the blonde's face, and it made Logan feel sadness, but he pushed that away when he looked back to Camille to see that sparkle in her eyes.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, making every new day better than the last. Camille Roberts, will you marry me?" The question lingered in the air for a couple of moments, before Camille shouted out yes, kneeling down to seal off their new awaiting life, with a kiss full of fervour.

Logan placed the ring on her finger, and as they were hugging, arms wrapped tightly around one another Logan spared a glance at his three friends who stood off to his right. Carlos look stunned, but wore a grin that spoke of how proud he was. James was smiling, all the while clapping and wolf whistling, which made Logan giggle slightly. Kendall however seemed unimpressed. He was frowning, his eyes glistening slightly with unshed tears. He was biting down on his bottom lip as he watched Logan, his happiness mirroring the exact opposite of his sadness and regret.

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><p>Five years later, found Logan in his backyard helping his baby daughter try to ride her bike.<p>

"Don't let go daddy, don't let go!" she screamed as she pedalled her little heart out.

"I won't baby girl," he said, but as she got more comfortable, he loosened his grip on the handle bars, until he let go and watched his daughter Chastity riding her bike around his backyard.

"I'm doing daddy, I'm doing it!" she screamed out in delight which made Logan chuckle.

As he watched his daughter, he couldn't help but think of how things had changed. Big Time Rush had ended a year after Camille and Logan got married. James now had his solo career, Carlos had gotten into acting, and Kendall now wrote songs for Gustavo who had a new band that he was working with called the windmills. The four friends still kept in contact, all except for two band members. Logan had not spoken to Kendall since the break up. When James came over though, they talked about Kendall. James said that he worried for the blonde. He just didn't seem to have the same vigour that he once did. James said that Kendall seemed depressed. He talked about how when Kendall wrote songs they all spoke of pain, and heartbreak. He said he had never seen anyone so disheartened before in his life. Logan never thought anything of it, until today.

He heard a crash come from his kitchen and ran in to see Camille crying as she was being hugged by James. Carlos was there also, his usual happy feature's, turned into that a pure grief, something that looked so out of place on the Latino's face.

"Camille sweetie, what's wrong?" he asked walking over to his wife. She leapt into her arms and began to cry again.

"Guys?" Logan looked up questioningly.

"It's Kendall," was all James said. Logan didn't know what to think, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"What about him?" James sighed, his eyes watering.

"He was found dead in his apartment this morning; coroner said it was a drug overdose," Logan was shocked to say the least. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Kendall was dead.

"This isn't funny," Logan said in such a serious tone, that it sent a chill through James bones.

"I'm not joking Logan, he's gone," James tried once again.

"Stop it, I'm serious."

"Logan not kidding around he's gone-"

"Get out!" Logan spat.

"Logan-"

"I said get the fuck out of my house!" Logan screamed. James looked scared of Logan to say the least, so he nodded realising his friend needed time to accept what had happened. He looked at Carlos who nodded and began to move towards the door. Before James left however, he took an envelope out of his jacket pocket. The seal was torn signalling that he had read it. He placed it on the counter before hastily exiting Logan's house.

Logan still cradled his hysteric wife in his arms as he looked at the envelope. He quickly let her go and moved towards the envelope. On the front of the envelope, it read Logan's name in Kendall's messy scrawl. That was when he wondered why it had been opened when it was addressed to him. None the less he pulled out the paper from inside with shaky hands. There were two sheets of paper. Logan began to read:

_Dear Logan,_

_I know this is selfish of me to do, but I hoping that you would understand, as I know you know what it is like to feel this way; to feel like your heart has been ripped out, and is broken beyond on repair. It saddens me that I was the one to make you feel like this, and I guess it this is Karma catching up with me. I know that I don't deserve you pity, after everything I put you through, but I now know what it must have been like, when I left you for Jo. The pain is unbearable Logan. After I watched you marry her, I literally felt like a part of me died then and there. That should've been me and you, and I wish now more than anything that it was. _

_After everything I put you through I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I hope you can find it deep down in your heart to do so. I am in a better place now. I remember how you used to talk about how your dad is in a better place, and I can only hope I see him there. I want you to know Logan how strong you are. That night where you told me how you feel, when we sat in your bedroom, makes me proud of you. I was meant to be the leader, the one who took risks, but I could never get up the courage like you did to confess my feelings of love for you. _

_I wish now that I had had that courage to stay with you, to be with you and tell everyone how I felt instead of be scared and hide away what I felt because I was afraid of what people would think. I now know that that was the biggest mistake of my life, as a life time of happiness with you by my side would have been worth it. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough, and I only hope that your little girl grow up to have your strength. Camille is so lucky to have you Logan, and I hope she reminds you of that everyday. You deserve everything and more and I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to give that to you. I love you Logan, forever and always even in death, I am eternally yours._

_With all my love_

_Kendall Knight_

He put the first page to the back, and began to read the second. It was unlike the first. It had a couple of sentences that read:

This is for you Logan. I wrote this back when we together. I found it the other day, and reworked it. I wish I had listened to the lyrics more intently when we were younger, for this was exactly what I felt.

What was written next was a song the title, nothing even matters.

Logan couldn't stop the tears, as he realised what this meant. Kendall was really gone. He fell to the floor howling in agony. How could this be? Kendall had always loved him, and they had just spent the past five years not speaking to one another. All of his old feelings were coming back. He had buried them deep within, hiding them away telling himself that he was happy. The truth was he had settled for second best. He had never been happy, he had just settled so that he didn't feel alone.

"Daddy?" Chastity shouted out, hopping of her bike to run inside. She jumped into her dad's lap hugging him as she began to cry as well. It was all too much for Logan. He had never felt such pain, to know that someone who he knew would always have a special place in his heart was gone, was literally eating away at him.

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><p>The next two weeks were tough for everyone. Burying Kendall was the hardest. Logan sat in the front row alongside, James, Carlos Mrs Knight and Katie at his funeral. Everyone was crying their eyes out, at the sight of Kendall's lifeless body in the casket in front of them. Camille gripped Logan's hand, but she could not help him now. Back when Kendall had broken his heart, Camille had brought him back. Now though, there was no coming back from this. He didn't even feel her hand squeeze his, his mind to focussed on the fact that Kendall was indeed dead.<p>

He went home that night to lock himself in his room. Camille stood outside knocking but Logan could not answer. He could barely look at her. The conflicting emotions were too much. He hated Camille, but he owed her everything. He loved her, but she was the reason that Kendall had been in so much pain. As he lay on his bed, he suddenly heard a voice behind him. When he turned around, he saw Kendall smiling at him. Logan knew it was crazy, that he was seeing someone who was dead, but he didn't care.

"Kendall," he spoke, reaching out. His hand flew through Kendall's figure hitting the pillow, but Kendall didn't disappear, he just lay there still smiling.

"K-K-Kendall can you hear me?" he asked and when Kendall laughed, the sound audible to Logan's ears, he almost jumped up in glee.

"Of course I can hear you silly, I'm here aren't I," this brought a frown to Logan's lips.

"But your dead," Kendall only laughed more.

"Maybe," he finally said, "but why does that mean I can't hear you?"

"Because you're not real."

"Whose to say I'm not," Logan quirked his eye-brow, and Kendall laughed again. His laugh was infectious, and soon enough Logan was joining him. When they both stopped, and just looked into each other's eyes, Logan felt what he had always felt. The connection was to strong, even for death to break them.

"Why are you here?" Logan questioned.

"I'm here because I want to be with you."

"But we can't Kendall, you're not really here. How can we ever be together again," Kendall sighed, reaching out and placing his hand on Logan's cheek. Logan didn't feel anything, but he didn't care. He could be classed as insane but it didn't matter with Kendall by his side.

"There is a way," he whispered, watching Logan intently, "If you want it badly enough."

"I want nothing more than to be with you."

"That what I was hoping to hear," Kendall replied, as he stood up. Logan's eyes widened.

"Don't leave me," Logan whimpered, which just made Kendall smile a sad smile.

"I'm never leaving you again. I promise," Logan gasped at the word promise, but he didn't say anything. He didn't want to spoil this. Kendall then moved towards Logan bathroom, and Logan couldn't help but follow. He found Kendall standing in front of his medicine cabinet.

"What are you doing?" Logan asked.

"This is how we can be together," Logan soon knew what he was insinuating. Without hesitation he opened the medicine cabinet, pulling out a bottle of pills. He turned back to Kendall, fingering the lid of the bottle.

"If you do this, we can be together forever."

"Forever and always," Logan muttered staring at the bottle of pills.

"Always and forever, I promise," again that word promise came up. Logan turned to Kendall, watching him suspiciously.

"How can I trust you?" Logan questioned.

"This is one promise that I can't break."

With that Logan turned back to the pills, wondering how it had all come to this. He knew he could never be happy without Kendall by his side, now that he knew Kendall did in fact love him, so was this his way out. Since when had death been the only option? With Kendall standing by his side though, offering him the chance to be by his side forever, which in turn would bring him eternal happiness, he didn't even question anything. He opened the bottle, and put all the pills in his hand. Before he lifted his hand to his lips though, he had one question.

"Does it hurt?"

"Death no, it's kind of like a sleep you'll never wake up from. It doesn't hurt at all, and once it's over your just there. It's like floating on air."

"Why are you here though, shouldn't you be in a better place now."

"I can't go there, I have unfinished business."

"Am I the business?"

"Yes Logie, I can't leave when you're so unhappy," Logan knew Kendall was right. He was so unhappy, here without the blonde by his side.

"When you're happy, we'll both be able to move on."

"Do you think I'll see my dad?" Logan asked out of the blue.

"I know you will, he's waiting for us."

"You've talked to him."

"Yeah, I can sometimes here people from the other side, giving me guidance. I've heard him, and he's telling me to make you happy, to take your pain away."

"And by doing this, I won't feel this pain anymore."

"It will all disappear Logie, I promise."

Logan looked himself in the mirror one last time. He could see it in his eyes. There was no light, no twinkle. That was reserved for Kendall only. The blonde was behind him in the mirror silently egging him on. With that Logan brought the little white pills to his lips. He opened his mouth and swallowed, one, two, and three. Soon the bottle was empty. He soon felt the effect, as he swayed on the spot. His vision became hazy, as he collapsed to the floor. He could still see Kendall though.

"Don't worry baby, I will stay to the bitter end," Logan was comforted by hearing this.

After a couple of minuets, everything began to fade. He could still see Kendall though, those beautiful green orbs staring down upon him. When they were matched by a pair of chocolate irises, Logan's smiled. He watched as his figure, kissed Kendall on the cheek. Kendall turned to him, both figures smiling, pure bliss radiating from each of them.

"Stay w-with me," Logan choked out, grabbing at Kendall hand. In reality it was just air, but the thought that he was in some way connected to the blonde, made him smile.

When a white light began to surround Logan and Kendall's figure, Logan felt his heart drop, for Kendall was standing up.

"W-Where a-ar-"

"Shh, don't speak," Kendall's fingertips grazed over Logan's lips. "We have to go, it's our time." Logan watched as Kendall stood, and grabbed onto his figures hand. He felt it himself, Kendall's fingertips intertwining with his own. He watched in aw, as his figure and Kendall began to walk towards the light. He heard Kendall say quietly, "I love you Logie," before the light took him. It was Logan's last memory, and it brought his trademark half smirk to his lips, before he was consumed by nothingness, the feeling of pain leaving him, just like Kendall promised.

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><p><strong>So what did you think. I literally almost cried writing this. I hate fics when any of the boys die, because it's always so emotional, but I felt this was a good way to end it:D<strong>


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